Into Dust

There are so many metaphors for depression. The most common one I’ve heard of is: it feels like you’re drowning while everyone else is breathing. But since my depression is more on-again-off-again, I experience it in a different way. Since I was born with mine, it never really goes away. In high school it was worse, but now that I’m in college, I only experience it about 2-3 times a month. What it feels like for me is that you’re climbing a really tall mountain and at the top is happiness, but with one misstep, you could slide back down to the bottom (depression) in a matter of seconds. It’s like a switch in me, it just happens without warning. Along with sliding back into depression so easily, I also get a flood of negative thoughts, which is like trying to build a dam. You keep piling up logs to keep the depression (the water) away and if it rains too much then the water will just break through the logs (the happiness) and come flooding back in with no control. My depression, especially, is a lot of negative thoughts. I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal because I’ve never tried to kill myself, but every time I slide back down that mountain, I just wish I could stop living. I feel so worthless and don’t want to continue living with such unhappiness.

Now-a-days, my depression usually lasts only for a few days. But they are just the worst days of the month. I feel so helpless and literally hate myself. But I can never escape myself so it’s like living with someone you hate for the rest of your life and not being able to get away. Over the years, I’ve tried to become a better person (so I would hate myself less), even to reinvent myself to a more likeable, happy person. I just wish I knew the secret to being happy. I’ve heard a million times over again to just “be happy”, but to someone with clinical depression, that’s like saying “just be a millionaire”, it doesn’t happen overnight. You have to work your ass off to be happy. I’ve found a few outlets that I personally enjoy when I slip such as music, writing, watching TV, or just driving. I also have to be alone while doing all of these things. I am going to have to live with this for the rest of my life, and I just hate that it’s something I can’t overcome. Every time I thought I have beaten it, it comes back. I definitely think the root of my problems boils down to other people: not having enough people who love/care for me. Which is fucked since that leads to another problem I have.  I feel like I’m living with a cancer and I’ll never know if/when it’s going to kill me.

 

P.S. I just got some bad news so fuck me even harder..

 

"I could possibly be fading.."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vO30b_SxLzE

The Voice

This post is named The Voice because that's the show I'm watching right now...
But also I want to talk about how I'm trying to find my voice in this world.

I've always been a very opinionated person. I either hate something or love it. Sometimes those two even interchange because I'm a very indecisive person. I'm changing my mind and my life all the time. I'm attending my third college at the moment, and I will be studying my third major this coming fall. One thing that I do admire about myself, though, is that when I find the thing I want to do in life, I, right away, figure out how I'm going to achieve this goal. When I wanted to be an actor/model, I took acting lessons and signed with a modeling agency. When I wanted to become a fashion designer, I signed up for apparel classes at Iowa State University. Now, after many, many potential career paths, I've found one (or a few) that I think I was meant to do.

This fall, I'm going to become an English major with a minor in psychology. I'll never forget the moment when I realized what I truly want to do with my life. It was on a road trip to Mall of America with Shannon. I was driving and we were talking about our futures. We talked about how all we really want to do in life is travel. So from then on, I was determined to find a career I could do from my computer and be anywhere in the world. I'm still debating on whether I want to be an online teacher or a freelance writer. I might even do both. Just as long as I'm always travelling and life is never a routine.

Whatever I really end up doing, I want to change lives. Either by teaching or by inspiring or even the occasional charity work that I might happen to stumble upon during my days abroad. I want to help make the world a better place, even if that's just encouraging future generations to be better people.

By the end of my life, I hope to say:
"I swear I lived."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k009TIxQc8

Same Love

Looking back at old photographs of how towns and cities used to look is a special thing. It’s mind-blowing to compare them to recent photos and see how far the world has come. America is one of the most changing and revolutionary countries in the world. We are always looking towards the future and wondering what’s next. That’s at least what should be happening. Instead, there are quite a number of citizens who have a mind-set of the 19th century. Back then, white men were better than everyone else. Women and African-Americans were somehow thought of as lesser beings. Here we are, two centuries later, stumbling upon those views more than we should be. With people like that, will America still be the land of opportunities like it always has been?


Not until 1920 were women allowed to vote in national elections. That was less than 100 years ago. Multiple countries gave women the right to vote several years before the United States caught on. Not until the 1960’s were African-Americans treated equally as white people in everyday life. If anyone has ever taken a history class, they know how hard African-Americans worked to receive equal rights. It is hard to even fathom the idea that people back then thought whites were better than blacks, considering how many highly successful and skilled African-Americans there are today, like athletes and our president. It is hard to understand how anyone could still think that way.

Growing up, my teachers drilled into my head how much of a “melting pot” America is. I grew up knowing that America is filled with people of all colors, shapes and ways of life. If people can’t accept that, then maybe they shouldn’t be a part of a country where everyone is treated equal. Oh, but that’s right — that’s not actually true. Not only are women still considered less intelligent, or not as capable, but now that there is an established gay community, we can’t treat them equally either because they aren’t a straight, white male.
After seeing how horrible people have been in world history, I would have guessed everyone could learn from the mistakes of others and try to make the world a better place. But giving gays the right to get married seems to be impossible for America, as a whole, to accomplish. Once again, other countries are realizing how to treat everyone the same earlier than America is by allowing gay marriage. As the great Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” However, it seems Americans like to refer to the Bible to run America more than America’s own rules written when it was established.
So what happened to the separation of Church and State? How can people still be quoting Bible verses to control what happens to people who might not even be Christian? And why doesn’t the American government realize this yet? I am disgusted to say I live in a country where folks are more concerned about the possibility of getting their hunting rifles taken away. If we can’t do something as simple as grant marriage to everyone, then how do we expect to control something as widespread and controversial as gun control? The government seems to have its priorities mixed up.
“The American Dream” is a concept known around the world, but little do people know, you have to fit a certain criteria in order to be accepted in America. We’re supposed to be the land of the free, yet people are afraid to be who they are. Religion, gender, race and sexual orientation are all reasons which may constitute for you not being good enough to the average American. There should be bigger things to worry about, but if something as easy as gay marriage can’t be passed in America, it’s only a matter of time before the hate becomes greater than the love in the world and that is when the world will fall miserably to its knees in defeat. When the power of love overcomes the love of power, that is when the world will know peace.

-Written for iowastatedaily.com

"No freedom 'til we're equal; damn right I support it."
"A certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all, but it's a damn good place to start."
"Underneath it's all the same love."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0

Fire of Freedom

Ah, peace and love, man. I'm all for positivity in life, but you can't have positivity without negativity. Just like you can't have dark without light, warm without cold, the moon without the sun. So, I'm about to talk about some things that just really bother me about some people.

1. When people say that girls who wear make-up are "fake".

Yes, I wear make-up. I love my make-up. I take offense to this because the last thing I ever am is fake. I love being myself in every aspect. Make-up is not a way of covering myself up. It is a way of expression and beauty. If I could go out every day without wearing make-up, I would. But unfortunately, I feel more confident when I'm wearing make-up, and there's nothing wrong with confidence. My make-up accents my face and my hair. It's like wearing clothes that flatter your body. I am more myself with make-up than without it, and if that's "fake" to anyone, well then frankly, you can fuck off.

2. Hypocrites and Liars.

I just can't seem to wrap my mind around people who bash on people who do the things that they themselves do...? Like, practice what you preach. Clearly if someone does something to annoy you, but you do the same thing, I'm sure you're definitely annoying other people. If there is something that people do that you don't like, and you find yourself doing the same thing, instead of complaining about it, maybe it would be best if you work to better yourself. There's nothing wrong with realizing you do something negative. Once you realize it, the best thing to do would be to fix it to become the best kind of person you can be.
Now, liars. (smh) I've always been a brutally honest person. Lying is just fake, and unnecessary, and causes problems. I've never understood why you should lie about something in your life. Learn to take pride in your life and your actions. If you do something that you wish you could take back, own up to it and fix it. Lying it just digging a deeper hole. I understand lying to your parents about going to a rager in high school (we've all been there), but the less you lie, the more you can accept your life and accept yourself as a person. I've never been ashamed of my life and my opinions. I have these thoughts and this life for a reason. There's no need to hide it. Honesty is probably one of the top three things I look for in people to surround myself with in life.

3. Bad Grammar.

Haha, kill me. I really wish this didn't have to be one of my pet peeves, but the fact that every day I run into people who seem to have skipped every English class in their life, it sadly is something I can't stand. EDUCATION IS NOT A BAD THING. I wish people would stop looking at school like a burden in their life. Everyone should strive to be as educated as they can to avoid looking like a complete fool in this world. Grammar is one simple thing to make yourself seem more educated (even if you really aren't). Learn proper English before you graduate high school, I promise you it will come in handy every day of your life.

4. People who say "respect is earned".

Now, I understand why this is said. I just don't agree with it. Respect shouldn't be something that everyone has to earn. Respect should be given right off the bat. There is no reason to not respect someone you just met. The only time respect should be earned is if someone you once respected has lost your respect. Then they need to earn it back. But I think this world would be a better place if respect is given to everyone until they prove they don't deserve it.


"Sometimes I lay under the moon and thank God I'm breathing, then I pray don't take me soon 'cause I am here for a reason."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl9voSKJmEU

Unitarianism

Unitarianism is an open-minded and individualistic approach to religion that gives scope for a very wide range of beliefs and doubts.

After 19 years of life, I finally know exactly what I believe in. I was raised to be a Christian and when I went through confirmation at my church, I was even a hardcore Christian. Looking back on it now, it felt like I was almost brainwashed. That's not a dig at Christians, it's just how I felt. I was so judgemental of people who weren't Christians and the youth group I went to was just a bunch of teenagers gossiping about new drama that week.

In high school, I started realizing that while most people in my church were decent human beings, calling yourself a Christian doesn't make you some sort of saint who's better than people who aren't. I started believing in God more and the Bible less. High school was a dark and confusing time for me so I didn't know what to believe in anymore. By the time high school was over, I felt ridiculous for living by someone else's rules other than my own. For awhile I even thought I was athiest. But I'm not because I truly do believe in God.

So alas, I have come across this amazing religion. I am a Unitarian. I believe in God, but I do not believe in the Bible. I believe that everyone is free to search for meaning in life in their own way and to reach their own conclusions. I do not judge other religions or other lifestyles. I only judge how you treat other people because that is the true judge of character. Your religion does not define your character.

I know people whose lives have gotten better once they found Christ. And I am happy for them because we should all live a better life than we did yesterday. But for me, my life got better once I was free. I'm free of judging people who don't live up to the Bible's standards. I'm free of forcing Christianity upon people because the "right" way to live is through Jesus.  I'm free to live my life how I want to and to be the one who decides what is right and what is wrong in this world.


P.S. After I had decided I was a Unitarian, I found out that my aunt has also been one for many years and that she goes to a Unitarian church. I didn't even think that there were very many Unitarians in America let alone my family. It was quite odd and uplifting.

It shouldn't matter what religion someone is. Love and peace should conquer over everything.

This song describes how I got to where I am so well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORXBNR7wl7U



Hicks? More like dicks..

Now, I'm usually a fan of all guys. I don't have a type because guy is my type. Love 'em all. But hicks, I've never really been a fan of.

Since I live in Iowa, where we have a lot of open space for hunting, and fishing, and mudding (hick hobbies), naturally, there are lots of "hicks" also. I don't have a problems with those hobbies - except for hunting becasue I'm an animal lover - I even enjoy some of them because the outdoors is a fun place. But when someone "decides" that they're gonna be a "hick" now, not only do they get a new wardrobe, but they also get a new attitude.

If you were to see a "hick" in the south, the words "southern gentleman" might come to mind. Because that's what hicks are supposedly known for in the south. They have respect and manners. But in Iowa, that's a different story. I'm not trying to stereotype all hicks, but from my years of living in Iowa, 95% of the hicks I've met have been theeee biggest assholes I've ever encountered.

They think they're so tough because they like to get dirty, and they drive big trucks, and they kill live animals. But along with all that fun stuff, they think they own the world and their attitude on everything is completely disgusting. They are the most judgemental, narrow-minded, bullying, rude people that I know. I feel like there must be a correlation between being a hick and being a dick. I just can't understand how anyone could possibly stand to hang around them. Yes, they do fun activities, but their comments and their not-giving-a-fuck-about-anyone-but-myself attitudes are atrocious and frankly, unattractive.

A word of advice to guys, but mostly hicks: treat women with respect, don't purposely cause drama, deflate your ego, and read a book to learn proper English.


This song is a little cliche, but seriously, being mean won't get anyone anywhere. (plus the irony of the setting in this video is funny)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYa1eI1hpDE&ob=av2e

Everything's An Illusion

Wow, two blog posts in two days. #newrecord. << I should probably leave the hashtags to Twitter. Sorry, #habit. Oops :)
Anywhoooo, I seem to have kind of started my blog off a different way than most people would. So I'm gonna kinda go backwards here and do an "About Me" post now.

1. Da first ting you should know is dat I am exactly like my blog.

In other words, I don't usually do things how "normal" people would do them, or most people I should say. I like to be utterly unique. But not like a Lady Gaga unique, that's just crossing a line.. But yes, I've always been weird and different, which explains my lack of friends. Its hard to find people who share your same weirdness. I have stumbled upon a few though (:

2. My personality could be summed up by saying I have many different personalities..

Kinda creepy sounding, but I don't know how else to put it! Its like, I have a little bit of every personality trait in me. It all depends on my mood, who I'm with, and what we're doing. Most people only see what they wanna see in me, and hey, I get it. But clearly they've only seen the bad parts then (probably because there are a lot). Bashing myself on my own blog? Welp its just like Lindsay Lohan on Saturday Night Live last week when she was totally making fun of all the things that's been going on in her life. Sometimes, you just gotta admit the truth and accept it.

3. Which brings me to my next point.

I am a surprisingly honest person. I just never see the point in lying. That has also cost me a few friends... but I don't want to be known as a liar. So sometimes my honesty may be taken too far, but that's reality for ya. I can't stand people who lie; how can anyone ever trust you? Do you lie to yourself too? Because that's just sad and that's like being in Plato's Cave. (Look it up >> http://faculty.washington.edu/smcohen/320/cave.htm)

4. Alright, so another thing about me is my passion.

I kind of explained this in my last post, but I am just very passionate about what I love. I hate half-assing those things. (I half-ass a lot of things though hehe) I am a fashion major so yes I will judge your clothes. I think style is just such a great way to judge a person - the good kind of judge - before you actually get to know them. People who wear sweats a lot are people who are comfortable with themselves. People who like to dress up a lot and look their best always want people's approval of them and care what people think. And yes I am in that second category.

5. It's hard to talk about myself because even I am not quite sure what I'm all about.

Not to get that confused with I don't know who I am, because I do. I just surprise myself a lot and am very confused by my own thoughts. I have so many different opinions and thoughts and ideas it's just hard to understand myself, let alone other people understanding me. I used to hate it when people hated me because I just wanted everyone to like me. But that required me to change for other people, and that's just not what I'm about.

Here are some pictures to kind of sum up myself:

 

"Truth is we mess up till we get it right; I don't want to end up losing my soul."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OWwJVGg5lo