Into Dust

There are so many metaphors for depression. The most common one I’ve heard of is: it feels like you’re drowning while everyone else is breathing. But since my depression is more on-again-off-again, I experience it in a different way. Since I was born with mine, it never really goes away. In high school it was worse, but now that I’m in college, I only experience it about 2-3 times a month. What it feels like for me is that you’re climbing a really tall mountain and at the top is happiness, but with one misstep, you could slide back down to the bottom (depression) in a matter of seconds. It’s like a switch in me, it just happens without warning. Along with sliding back into depression so easily, I also get a flood of negative thoughts, which is like trying to build a dam. You keep piling up logs to keep the depression (the water) away and if it rains too much then the water will just break through the logs (the happiness) and come flooding back in with no control. My depression, especially, is a lot of negative thoughts. I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal because I’ve never tried to kill myself, but every time I slide back down that mountain, I just wish I could stop living. I feel so worthless and don’t want to continue living with such unhappiness.

Now-a-days, my depression usually lasts only for a few days. But they are just the worst days of the month. I feel so helpless and literally hate myself. But I can never escape myself so it’s like living with someone you hate for the rest of your life and not being able to get away. Over the years, I’ve tried to become a better person (so I would hate myself less), even to reinvent myself to a more likeable, happy person. I just wish I knew the secret to being happy. I’ve heard a million times over again to just “be happy”, but to someone with clinical depression, that’s like saying “just be a millionaire”, it doesn’t happen overnight. You have to work your ass off to be happy. I’ve found a few outlets that I personally enjoy when I slip such as music, writing, watching TV, or just driving. I also have to be alone while doing all of these things. I am going to have to live with this for the rest of my life, and I just hate that it’s something I can’t overcome. Every time I thought I have beaten it, it comes back. I definitely think the root of my problems boils down to other people: not having enough people who love/care for me. Which is fucked since that leads to another problem I have.  I feel like I’m living with a cancer and I’ll never know if/when it’s going to kill me.

 

P.S. I just got some bad news so fuck me even harder..

 

"I could possibly be fading.."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vO30b_SxLzE